Of all the strange things
by Jinjer
Summary: Suppose the pixels on your screen were sentient... suppose the characters of HotU were only playing along with your PC... Yes this is my sorry attempt at humor. Occasional cussing. COMPLETE
1. All good things

Disclaimer: Neverwinter Nights and all it's characters belong to Bioware. I'm only borrowing them for my twisted purposes.

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**Of all the strange things**

**1. All good things…**

Valen yawned. It was nearly time. Not that there where any clocks around here. He just _knew_ that it was almost time for the „Saviour" to arrive.

_Let's see what we get this time. A barbarian? A wizard?_

The guards were standing in their usual places, staring disinterestedly into space.

_Not that they _can _do anything else, _He thought sourly _The only time they get to see any kind of action is when the new PC arrives. And when it's time to die a „heroic" death in defence of Lith My'athar. _ He snorted. _I guess I'm one of the _lucky _ones._

CRACK

_Here we go again._

The weapon master sighed and readied himself for the usual mistrust speech.

_Nathyrra, annoying kobold, elven sorceress… Wait, sorcer_ess_?! _Valen stared in horror at the woman.

_A _female_ PC?! _He thought desperately _Nonononono..! Anything but that!_

His mind had barely begun to process the dire implications of this new turn of events when he saw Nathyrra detach herself from the group and make her way toward him. Seeing the satisfied smile on her face he felt his temper rise.

„What's going on?" He growled. Nathyrra grinned broadly.

„It seems you're out of luck my friend. It's the little sister's playtime. And she seems to like this game."

The tiefling swallowed hard.

„Anything you know about her?"

The assassin examined her nails with interest.

„Not much. Timid, shy… adolescent" She added with a smirk.

_Shitshitshitshit…_

„You don't suppose she'll just…"

Nathyrra rolled her eyes.

„She's a spellcaster. She'll need her several hundred pounds of armored muscle" She elbowed him playfully „It looks like I'm off the hook, and you… well… see you next playthrough"

Valen stared at the assassin's retreating back with a sense of impending doom. He slowly turned and looked looked over to the Seer who was currently in deep conversation with the new arrival. The tiefling drew in a deep breath and braced himself for the encounter, putting on The Scowl which sent the worst of Abyssal troops running in fear. His only hope was that he could intimidate the sorceress out of romancing him.

_Yeah, riiiight._


	2. Size Matters

**Disclaimer: **Neverwinter Nights and all it's characters belong to Bioware. I'm only borrowing them for my own evil purposes.

**2. Size Matters**

Valen was exhausted. Physically he was as fit as ever, but mentally… He closed his eyes. He had just come back from the trip through Cania, where he was forced to endure the sorceress's incessent attentions.

_If she had been at least somewhat attractive… I have no idea who came up with the idea of adding _green _as a customisable hair colour, but I hope they are currently on a _very _unpleasant plane._

_Well, serves you right. Why did you have to come out with that soppy love-confession? If you had just kept your trap shut! But nooo, we had to follow the game-script and oooh..!_

_Oh, shut up._

Valen sighed. For the first time he actually felt grateful for his inner demon. Sometimes he thought it was the only thing keeping him somewhat sane – talking to someone who didn't have a totally annoying voice-cast. Between the sorceress, her familiar and the kobold, the snarling voice in his head was a blessed relief.

It was nearly _the _time again. A new PC was approaching, his or her identity hidden by the shroud of the Chapter Interlude. The tiefling prayed to whatever virtual gods might have been listening that it would not be another romance starved teenage chick.

CRACK

Valen held his breath as he waited for the after-effects of the spell to clear.

And froze.

And stared.

_This girl. Has a fucked up. Sense of. Humor._

He groaned silently.

_Who in the Hells thought of adding _gnomes _as a playable race?!_


	3. Bomb Voyage!

**Disclaimer: **Neverwinter Nights and all it's characters belong to Bioware. I've only kidnapped them for my own personal amusement.

Author's Note: Valen and Nathyrra are hanging around the temple in LM again, although technically they could go anywhere within the NWN game while they are not needed… Don't beat me to the funny parts here!

**3. Bomb Voyage!**

To a stranger he might have looked like he was slightly nervous. To those who knew him the fact that something _showed_ proved that the tiefling was close to a nervous breakdown.

Nathyrra observed her friend with concern. The whole situation had been amusing at first, but now… At least it wouldn't have been such a torment for _her, _seeing as it wasn't unusual for drow women to screw anything that moved… be it a member of the opposite sex or not.

_Well, Valen's lucky that _that _kind of mod hasn't been made yet. Gods know, he has enough problems with women, let alone having to aahh… show interest in _guys.

She shook her head, trying to chase away the disturbing images parading across her mind's eye.

_I just hope no depraved fangirl gets the same idea. I doubt Valen's sanity would survive it. Although if this keeps up he's going to lose it anyway._

As if on cue she felt a tug in her matrix – she was needed in Chapter One. She looked at the weapons master and found him staring at her. Clearly he had also sensed „the disturbance in the Force" and knew what it meant, yet there was a desperate hope shining in his eyes, begging her to deny that which he knew must be coming.

When he saw her shake her head, his shoulders slumped in resignation and his eyes closed in defeat. Nathyrra wondered how much more he could take before finally snapping.

_And I'd rather be in the epicenter of a nuclear explosion than anywhere near the blast radius of the V-Bomb, _she thought before warping out.


	4. Angels and Demons

**Disclaimer:** NWN and all it's characters belongs to Bioware. I'm just borrowing them for my evil (if odd) purposes

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**4. Angels and Demons**

Have you ever seen an animal caught in a trap? Well that would be just about what a certain weapons master looked like. And _felt_ like.

His eyes darted from side to side as if looking for an escape route. He jumped at any noise louder than a whisper. His tail was constantly twitching. When he raised his hand to wipe the sweat from his brow it was shaking uncontrollably.

The last PCs had been particularily nasty.

_Gnome Paladin._

_Half-Orc Bard._

_Halfling Barbarian._

All female. All awful looking. All romanced him.

_And all were in some way ape-shit crazy, _Valen thought. _Doesn't that kid have anything better to do?! I mean, how does she even come up with these race/class combinations? Does she just pick something at random? Does she even _know _what she's doing?_

Even his demon had given up by now. Sometime in the middle of the last Cania-trek it had fled to a secluded corner of his mind and refused to come out since. Valen focused on it, visualising it's hiding place.

_Yep, still the same as last time. Oi! A demon in fetal position isn't very frightening you know, _He thought, addressing it directly.

The creature raised it's head and gave him a hollow-eyed look. It managed a weak snarl before turning around and showing him it's mental back.

_Damn, I'm so depressed I've started picking on _myself, He realised with a jolt. _Well, sort of…_

He sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose between a thumb and a forefinger.

_Mustn't give up hope. There's always the possibility that she'll grow bored of NWN and switch to harassing the characters of another game… like… KotOR. Yeah!_

Immersed in these happy thoughts he completely forgot he reason for his previous anxiety. Until reality came knocking, that is.

CRACK

Valen blinked against the sudden bright light, trying to discern the figure that had appeared. When he did, the only thing he could do was continue blinking. In disbelief.

_Pale hair. Light skin. Feathered wings. Celestial aura. FUCK!_

His skin felt like it was trying to crawl off his back by the mere presence of the woman. And that was from thirty feet away! He could barely imagine what it would be like if he had to establish actual physical contact with her. Not to mention the fact that her whole presence radiated „Think Pink!".

Nathyrra slunk over to him with a guilty expression on her face.

„Sorry" she muttered „I even tried to get her killed, but she just wouldn't die! Damn thing kept healing itself."

He frowned. „What, you don't like her either?"

Nathyrra gave him a pained look.

„Just because I'm a follower of Ellistrae doesn't mean that I've stopped being drow. The mere _thought _that such an intolerably goody-two-shoes creature is supposed to save us makes me want to hurl."

Valen grunted in agreement. A thought occured to him and his frown deepened.

„Nathyrra…" he started slowly „Aasimar weren't included in the original character creation menu, were they?"

„No…"

_Oh, lovely. I guess a certain mod writer will have to get aquainted with a very good friend of mine. A _computer virus _friend of mine._

He sighed, resigning himself to the inevitable. „Nathyrra, could you stall her for a bit? I'm going to download myself some virtual painkillers."


	5. When the Bough Breaks

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except a screwed up little mind.

**5. When the Bough breaks**

The past few days had been some of the happiest of Valen's virtual existance. Not that he enjoyed the aasimar's company, oh no. It was due to the fact that he was high.

The large quantities of virtual drugs and painkillers in his system had rendered him blissfully ignorant of his surroundings, including the highly uncomfortable sensation of being close to a creature descended from the Higher Planes. He merrily plowed through armies of drow, ilthid, undead and other nasties, all the while humming to himself in the firm belief that he was waltzing through a field of flowers with pink and purple faeries to keep him company.

Now he just felt like shit.

_Withdrawal really _is_ a bitch, _he groaned inwardly.

Shortly after he had returned from the last trashing of Mephistopheles he had been cornered by a group consisting of the Seer, Nathyrra, Aribeth and a couple of unnamed clerics. Immobilized, divested of his weapons and armor, and shackled to a bed, they had told him that getting him off his addiction was in his best interest.

_Best interest my ass! Why can't they just leave me be? _Anything _is better than the crap I have to put up with._

In a last ditch attempt to get him out of his depression the Seer had suggested they organize some sort of group theraphy.

_As if that would work._

Seeing as there was no trained psychologist available the whole thing was basically just a bunch of NPCs complaing or alternately throwing insults at the players, the programmers or the script-writers.

„You are one to complain!" Mephistopheles' voice rang off the walls of the Neverwinter Temple of Tyr (One off the few in-game buildings able to house all off them comfortably). „I get _killed_ every playthrough or else banished to Cania!"

_Not that you don't get out of there by the time the next game starts, _Valen thought wrily.

„And what about me, he?" Deekin piped up „They have me talking like I'm some freaking imbecile!" 'Deekin be thinking…' and ' Boss be looking like…' – I'm tired of this discrimination towards non-mammalian humanoids! We demand the right to use grammatically correct sentences!"

The assembly was suddenly interrupted by the melody of the opening credits – someone had started the game. The various characters exchanged glances before warping out to their respective positions in the game.

_And so it starts again, _The Weapons Master thought before joining the Seer in Lyth My'athar.

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The time was near. Another PC was due to arrive to attack a certain tiefling's already strained nerves.

_Let's see what the little creepy kid has come up with this time, _Valen thought sourly.

CRACK

_No fucking way! _The tiefling stared at the woman who had stepped out of the portal. Her skin was covered in scales and there were a pair of bright red wings protrunding from her shoulders. A Red Dragon Disciple. _I am _not _screwing _anything_ with scales! I might as well do the kobold! _He seethed inwardly.

_This is the last straw._

Turning on his heel he stalked out of the Temple.

„Valen, where are you going?" Nathyrra's voice floated after him.

„I'm emigrating to Arx Fatalis" He growled „ No one has played that game in over a year."

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Epilogue

_Somewhere on the internet, on a NWN help forum:_

IS THIS A GLITCH?! ;~;

**The End**

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No, seriously, why are you still reading this?


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